Friday, November 1, 2013

Duck this why doncha

there is a line between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” BUT.... a joke is a joke is a joke...... as long as I think it's funny...it's called the jimm-rule. Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?" I was going to kill myself today by taking a thousand aspirin. But after taking the first two I felt better. I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Goddam large ones" is not the correct answer The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover." A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him. "Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book." A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a duck in the front seat. "What are you doing with that duck?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the duck again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that duck to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" A man and his pet duck walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my duck." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the duck falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a duck.".... ok.... rained all day yesterday...about one and half inches. dark...gloomy today. It just left me all feeling ...ducky

6 comments:

Larry said...

I think it's even funnier when you put them all together like that and make it look like one continuous wild-assed joke. :-)

susan said...

I see you've been practicing your stand-up routines. Here's one more:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says: 'Put the beads away, Peter. Our prayers have been answered!

Kulkuri said...

A guy walks into a bar. There's nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. The man says, "I'm buying that woman a drink." The bartender says, "You don't want to do that. She's a lesbian." The man says, "I don't care, give the drink." After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor. The man strolls over to her. He says, "Hi. I'm Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?"
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."

okjimm said...

Larry... unintenional...did a cut and paste and now i CAN't out the spaces in... story of my life, either not enough blank spaces....or too many.

Susan...I remeber when someone gave me a parrot for Thanksgiving.
It was delicious.

kULS.....GROOOOOAAAAN... SO...BACK AT YA

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.

Beach Bum said...

...a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

I'm not sure what this says about my opinion of organized religion but that is a missionary I would take seriously.

okjimm said...

ah, Bum... I share your views...but I can be civil to 'men of the cloth'. Why just the other day Ralph the Congregational Minister walks in the bar and asks why he never sees me in church.
"I'm a pagan," I said.
"well, I can appreciate that. It is a form of worship after all."
And he asks if there is anything he can do to induce me to at least try coming to church.
"well, you could start by buying me a beer."
so he buys me a beer, I drink it and he says, "well, will you give it a try?"
"I'm thinking about it," I said, "but I think real slow. You best buy me another beer."

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